The Greatest Actors of All Time (if you’re a geek) (Part 2)

The moment you’ve been waiting for: the top four greatest actors (for geeks) of all time. My unimpeachable, scientifically accurate criteria for this decision (and rankings 5 – 11) are here in Part 1 of the article.

4: Sigourney Weaver

Well, here she is: Ripley, the toughest hombre to ever strap themselves into a power loader. Sigourney Weaver is the Queen of science fiction; she’s level-headed when the men around her go to water; the realist who knows when to nuke ‘em (answer: whenever you get the chance); she’s the original and the best tough woman of science fiction.

Long may she reign.

1. The two good Alien films (1979, 1986)
2. The two bad Alien films ( 1992, 1997)
3. Ghostbusters 1&2 (1984, 1989)
4. Galaxy Quest (1999)
5. Avatar (2009)
6. Chappie (2015)

Weaver has four classics on her resume (Aliens 1&2, Ghostbusters and Galaxy Quest). Plus has minor roles in the excellent WALL-E and The Cabin in the Woods.

Sigourney did Galaxy Quest. She is obviously a geek.

Best line: “Get away from her you bitch.”

 

3: Harrison Ford

Harrison Ford is Han Solo, Indiana Jones and Rick Deckard.

Whether he likes it or not (and I suspect he doesn’t) genre movies are his natural home. Every time he’s strayed from the world of fantasy and science fiction, the results have sucked (with the exception of Witness). The genre loves him, even if he doesn’t love the genre.

He’s done it all: the franchise, the stand-alone classic (Blade Runner), he’s stood the test of time and he’s got enough movies on the list to endure high rotation in the endless days waiting on the blasted, unforgiving Marscape.

1. Star Wars (1977)
2. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
3. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
4. Blade Runner (1982)
5. Return of the Jedi (1983)
6. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
7. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
8. What Lies Beneath (2000)
9. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
10. Cowboys and Aliens (2011)
11. Ender’s Game (2013)
12. Star Wars: the Force Awakens (2015)

Harrison could well have taken out the #1 spot, but the supernatural elements in the Indiana Jones franchise are slight. Plus Harrison’s not a geek, just a grumpy old man.

Best line: Leia: “I love you.” Han: “I know.”

2: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Here he is: the Big Papa of science fiction and fantasy, Arnold. Synonymous with two classic franchises: Conan the Barbarian and the Terminator, he is Conan and the T-800.

He’s done it all, from high fantasy, to science fiction noir, to a Stephen King adaptation, PKD film (Total Recall – based on the short story We Can Remember it for you Wholesale), to Comic Book adaptation, and post-apocalyptic. Arnold is the bulbous, scenery-chewing King of the supersized action sequence and the pithy one-liner.

1. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
2. Conan the Destroyer (1984)
3. The Terminator (1984)
4. Red Sonja (1985)
5. Predator (1987)
6. The Running Man (1987)
7. Total Recall (1990)
8. Terminator 2 (1991)
9. Batman and Robin (1997)
10. End of Days (1999)
11. The 6^th Day (2000)
12. Terminator 3 (2003)
13. Terminator Genisys (2015)

Thirteen on the playlist, a couple of bad ones, and five classics (Terminator 1&2, Conan 1, Predator, Total Recall). 

Not a geek. Also not really an actor.

Best Lines:

1. “I’ll be back.”
2. “Get to the chopper!”
3. “Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.”
4. “See you at the party Richter!”
5. “Consider that a divorce.”
6. “Asta la vista, baby.”

1: Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart

Two actors? Isn’t that cheating? Well, yes, and I’ll tell you why: firstly these two are BFFs, joined at the hip, both in their movies and in life. Secondly, Arnold cheated, first by using steroids, and secondly on his wife.

There’s a price to pay for that Arnold, and the price is to be relegated into second place in an article you’ll never read by a writer you’ve never heard of. I’m sure Arnold will be able to console himself by rubbing hundred-dollar bills over his biceps and then using those bills to light a fat stogie.

As for Ian and Patrick – I love these guys. Witty and warm, charming and funny. Shakespearean-trained actors who lend gravitas some of the most important characters in science fiction and fantasy: Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Gandalf the Grey, Magneto, and Professor X.

Check out this for film night on Mars:

1. Dune (1984)
2. Star Trek (four movies) (1994 – 2002)
3. X-Men (four movies) (2000 – 2014)
4. Lord of the Rings (three movies) (2001 – 2003)
5. The Hobbit (three terrible movies) (2012 – 2014)
6. Stardust (2007)
7. The Golden Compass (2007)

Are the 17 movies shared by these two enough to top Arnold? It’s true that many of the films are terrible (the three Hobbit films, one of the X-Men films, and one of the Star Trek films). But it is also true that if there’s one good thing in the worst of these films, that one good thing will either be Stewart or McKellen.

And we now this for damn sure: these two are giant geeks.

“Make it so.”

“You shall not pass!”

Conclusion

Ian and Patrick wouldn’t be my choice for Mars. As much as I love the duo, I’d go Harrison Ford. Blade Runner is my favourite film of all time, the three original Star Wars are classics and Indiana Jones is a lot of fun (except for the last, which is an embarrassment).

Arnold would be my second choice as it’d given me a Verhoeven (Total Recall); the second-best science fiction noir film of all time (Terminator); the third-best sci-fi action movie of all time (Predator); and the most brutal Barbarian in cinematic history.

Who would you pick? As this is a scientifically accurate list, your opinion is largely irrelevant, so you should go ahead and keep it to yourself.

Highly commended

Leonard Nimoy: I dearly wanted to include Spock in the top 11, but he’s really only a one-franchise man. Outside the seven Star Trek films he was in, you only get Invasion of the Body Snatchers on your Mars list – a great film, but not enough. Pros: Most influential geek of all time. Cons: None.

Samuel L Jackson: Also very nearly made the top 11. But on closer inspection, his three Star Wars appearances were in the terrible I – III. Unbreakable, Sphere, The Spirit were all shit and his role in The Avengers is small. Pros: Bad Mother Fucker.

Jennifer Connelly:  The Labyrinth; Dark City; Rocketeer; Hulk; The Day the Earth Stood Still; Noah. Pros: she’s perfect. Cons: didn’t marry me.

Scarlett Johansson: The Island; Iron Man 2; Captain America: Winter Soldier; The Avengers 1&2; Under the Skin; Her; Lucy. Scarlett comes very close to making the top 11, but her Black Widow role is a minor one. Pros: appeared in movie with Bill Murray. Cons: Seeing her onscreen would be a constant reminder of how lonely Mars is.

Winona Rider:Edward Scissorhands; Alien: Resurrection; A Scanner Darkly; Star Trek. Pros: Spock’s mum.  Gen-X icon. Cons: Too much petty theft.

Mel Gibson: Mad Max 1 – 3; Signs: Pros – Mad Max 2 is an Australian classic and possibly the best post-apocalyptic film of of all time (though Fury Road may now hold that title). Cons: Anti-Semite, douchebag, not actually Australian.

Zoe Saldana: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl; Star Trek; Avatar; Guardians of the Galaxy. Pros: Uhura. Cons: That stupid pirate movie

Hugh Jackman: X-Men (7 movies); Van Helsing; The Prestige; Real Steel. Pros: Australian, good bloke. Cons: Too many bad films.

Kate Beckinsale: Underworld 1 – 4; Van Helsing; Total Recall Reboot; Pros: Leather-clad kickarse vampire. Cons: Abysmal and unnecessary Total Recall reboot.