The Greatest Actors of All Time (if you’re a geek) (Part 1)

T. R. Napper No Comments on The Greatest Actors of All Time (if you’re a geek) (Part 1)

Let me pose the scenario: you’re a geek (shut up, you are). You’re marooned on Mars (shut up, just go with this). You’ve got enough food and water to last until the resupply mission arrives in three years. You may pick the greatest geeks marscinematic corpus of only one actor to entertain you until the rescue mission arrives. Being a geek, you will only watch their speculative fiction films.

Who do you choose? It’s tough, but decisions must be made.

My criteria for geeky excellence are listed below.

The actor:

  1. Has played a lead role in a franchise.
  2. Has played a lead role in a one-off classic.
  3. Is synonymous with a seminal genre character.
  4. Has a large quantity of roles over time,
  5. And high quality results with those outings.
  6. Ranges across the genre: science fiction, fantasy, horror, and everything else we collectively call ‘speculative fiction.’
  7. Is a geek in real life.
  8. Receives bonus points for appearing in an adaptation of a Philip K Dick story.
  9. Loses points for appearing a Michael Bay film.

Without further preamble, here follows the most authoritative and scientifically accurate list of the greatest actors of all time:

11: Jennifer Lawrence

Just sneaks into the list with three X-Men and four Hunger Games films (given she’s #11, it’s more that I 2014, THE HUNGER GAMES - MOCKINGJAYshoehorned her into the list)

Lawrence fails on most criteria, but most certainly heads up a big franchise and without question is synonymous with Katniss Everdeen.

Lawrence is a charismatic presence and a huge talent (if you haven’t seen her debut film, Winter’s Bone, do so. It’s not a genre film, but it is harrowing and her performance remarkable) and I hope she keeps her foot in the genre game in the future.

Probably not a geek.

10: Bruce Willis

I don’t particularly like Bruce, but looking over his resume I was surprised at how many genre films he has done. While he is synonymous with the role of John McClane in Die Hard (as he should be – Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time), he does have a few memorable geek outings: greatest geeks bruce fifth

The classics 12 Monkeys and The Fifth Element for starters; the shitty Armageddon; the overrated Six Sense; the decent Sin City; and the very good Looper.

Also gets a bonus point for doing a Kurt Vonnegut adaptation (Breakfast of Champions).

Bruce loses points for being a douchebag, for appearing in a Michael Bay Film (Armageddon), and for doing Look Who’s Talking AND a fucking sequel.

Not a geek.

9: Tom Cruise

Tom’s also a borderline case: he’s got no franchises and he’s not synonymous with geek culture.greatest geeks tom

What Cruise does have is a PKD movie in Minority Report (a fairly good one, at that), a classic re-make in War of the Worlds, and a nice traversing across the genre – science fiction, to fantasy, to vampire movie – as this list shows:

  1. Legend (1985)
  2. Interview with a Vampire (1994)
  3. Vanilla Sky (2001)
  4. Minority Report (2002)
  5. War of the Worlds (2005)
  6. Oblivion (2013)
  7. Edge of Tomorrow (2014)
greatest geeks tom tooth
Warning: can’t be unseen

He also has a very, very good sci-fi flick in Edge of Tomorrow. It is that film that cemented his place in the top ten.

Cruise loses points for being really weird, for having a single giant front tooth right in the centre of his face, and for divorcing an Australian.

Not a geek.

 

8: Kurt Russell

It’s a close call between Kurt, Bruce Willis, and Cruise, but Kurt has three geek cult movies to his credit (first three on the list, below) and is a nicer guy than both. He was John Carpenter’s go-to man for a decade or two (and we love John Carpenter) and he helped launched the Stargate franchise.

And, you know, the guy is Snake motherfucking Plissken.greatest geeks snake

  1. Escape from New York (1981)
  2. The Thing (1982)
  3. Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
  4. Stargate (1994)
  5. Escape from LA (1996)
  6. Soldier (1998)
  7. Sky High (2005)

Possibly a geek.

7: Keanu Reeves

Keanu is another actor easy to overlook. Sure, he’s Neo, star of the best science fiction action movie ever made in The Matrix (which must be the best Cyberpunk movie ever made, as well). But the shadow of that giant movie obscures the faithful PKD adaptation of A Scanner Darkly he starred in, and the time-travel comedies that started his career.greatest geeks reeves PKD

He loses points for his waning enthusiasm (nothing in the genre since 2008), and being unable to act as anything but po-faced Keanu Reeves acting in a movie.

  1. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)
  2. Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey (1991)
  3. Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
  4. Johnny Mnemonic (1995)
  5. The Devil’s Advocate (1997)
  6. The Matrix and two bad sequels (1999 – 2003)
  7. Constantine (2005)
  8. A Scanner Darkly (2006)
  9. The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)

Best line: “69, dudes!”

Possibly a geek; definitely a stoner.

6: Charlton Heston

Heston’s significant roles in the genre are fewer than I had thought. Even if you add Ben-Hur, The Ten Commandments and The Greatest Story Ever Told (for having magic and supernatural beings) to the list below, on the surface Keanu would seem a more geekalicious meal.

greatest geeks heston
Heston in his more liberal days

But we can’t go past Heston’s triptych of post-apocalyptic films – Planet of the Apes, Soylent Green and The Omega Man, all considered cult classics. Heston brought science fiction to the mainstream before Star Wars blew up the box-office. Just enough to propel him into 6th spot.

  1. Planet of the Apes (1968)
  2. Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1968)
  3. The Omega Man (1971)
  4. Soylent Green (1973)
  5. Armageddon (1998) (minor role)
  6. Planet of the Apes (2001) (minor role)

Heston loses points for associating with Michael Bay and the NRA. He never made a PKD film and was definitely never a geek.

Best line: “Soylent green is people!”

5: Hugo Weaving

The versatile Australian actor exploded into the geek consciousness as the relentless Agent Smith in The Matrix.

greatest geeks - hugo
“Love your work, mate.”

While not quite as recognisable as Neo (but is a damn close second), Hugo Weaving beats out Keanu on other criteria: more movies, better movies, being a better actor, more sub-genres, and being Australian.

Weaving’s great strength is also his weakness: he’s a good enough actor to embody different roles that he’s never identified with any one particular franchise. Weaving is, in my view, criminally overlooked when it comes to geek heroes.

He loses some points voicing a character in a Michael Bay film (Megatron) and for not appearing in a PKD adaptation.

Nonetheless, his resume is impressive. In particular over 1999 – 2003, with six movies in two of the biggest all-time franchises.

  1. Matrix and sequels (3 movies: 1999 – 2003)
  2. Lord of the Rings and Sequels (3 movies: 2001 – 2003)
  3. V for Vendetta (2006)
  4. Transformers (3 movies: 2007 – 2011)
  5. The Wolfman (2010)
  6. Captain America (2011)
  7. Cloud Atlas (2012)
  8. The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies (2014)

Of his fourteen films, four (Matrix, LotRx3) could be considered ‘geek classics.’

Best line: “You hear that mister Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability.”

Part 2 of Greatest Actors for Geeks is now up and here.

greatest geeks carpenter

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